ithinkyoushould. Know that Tiger don’t Play That.

I would absolutely forgive you for caving to cultural peer pressure if you watched the “Something about Nothing”  TW press conference the other night. I would also forgive you if you were unable to restrain yourself from committing an act of violence against your flatscreen TV in the process.

This is how I felt.

A few mornings prior to the conference, I listened to the CBC Morning 2 Drive as was my usual habit. When they broke for the news, the Tiger Woods conference was reported as headline news amidst other top news issues of the day. We were subsequently told that the conference was going to be contained to only family and friends, a few select press of Tiger’s choosing and no questions. We were told that he was going to say sorry about his getting busy with hos while looking like he was happily married. Time permitting, he might also shed some light as to how he was able to rake in billions of dollars as a reputable role model, sports icon, etc. And most importantly, he would tell us that he was in Sex Rehab. It was reality TV in the making, a must-see event because after 3 months we was gonna learn something new, y’all!

So I watched. No I hadn’t planned to. I’m not a golf person. I never felt that there was anything to “like” about Tiger, and I didn’t find him cute or funny. Which is important if you’re a girl who has to watch sports. Really, I could have cared less about this poor excuse of a Man and his infidelities. I was watching something else, and the conference broke in the middle of the program, as if this was something important and could change my life in some significant way. Ya. First Mistake.

So I watched and squirmed and suppressed my laughter and um, outrage. It was anti-climactic at best, self-indulgent at its worst.

I thought to myself. Wow. Dude just doesn’t “get it.” Not once did he seem sincere. His face was open, and wide and blank, the back was arched and straight, the voice, flat and unemotional [a strategic golf approach?!] He said he was sorry, but he didn’t sound or look sorry. He said it was his fault, but he didn’t look or sound like somebody who was at fault. He didn’t look guilty of anything, rather he looked defiant and arrogant, like “back off bitches, I’m doing this because somebody told me to do it, and ya, as painful as it is for you, it’s even more painful for me, ‘cause, Tiger don’t play.”

And then he proceeded to blame the media. Indirectly of course. He told us to back off and leave him alone, to leave his family alone, and that his business was none of our business. He told us that no, he hadn’t found God, but that he would return to his Buddhist religion for redemption. And it struck me as un-American. Right down to the core. Because he’s not doing it right. He’s not following the Redemption Script. He’s rewriting the script, perhaps trying to rewrite history. I say his behaviour is conveniently “un-American” because Americans like their [public] sex with religion and politics, thank you.

In America, when a Media Icon falls from grace, there are a series of things they must do to both save their career and save their reputation. The first is to immediately admit your guilt, the second is to immediately say you’re sorry and accept responsibility, and the third step is to immediately get help and find God, and 4^th if you are married, your wife is supposed to stand corporate-styles, stiffly and stoically by your side, in sensible shoes, with a tight grin splayed across her face dying on the  inside as she suppresses her real thoughts and emotions. Immediately.

According to the accepted script, we don’t really want any more from you at that moment, because we can’t really process any more than that. What’s done is done, and we need you to move on, and move along, so we can move on and move along.  And we need simple details, please. And no we don’t want to hear you  justify your ass, because no, you can’t make it better, but when and if you keep talking smack, you will absolutely make it worse.  Like Tiger.  Because the Fool, doesn’t get It.

How many more people will he alienate by “calling attention to” his Buddhist roots? Perhaps as many people he alienated when he first claimed to be neither Black nor White nor Asian.  [Only MJ could make us "believe" that]. That should have been our “first clue” that he was different. And then there was  his conduct on the course. People generally found him a bit prickly, but his game was untouchable, and sometimes social awkwardness can be forgiven if the genius is outstanding.

Still, in America, sports guys are like real life action heroes. They are likeable and inimitable because we let them be that way. When the sports hero Michael Vick was caught dealing dogs, he immediately fessed-up, faced his demons and is now doing everything in his power to right his wrong. And wow, if there was ever a soul in pain, Vick’s is it. The remorse on his face is palpable.

Tiger’s actions literally pale in comparison. TW lived out his fantasy as if he was a porno stud and not a reputable family man. And he got caught. And he is still caught. But he can’t release his ego enough to let it be. But maybe that’s what addiction is. Addiction to yourself, the need to stuff yourself with goodies for yourself to the exclusion and concern of everything else.

So what does his Momma think? What would his Poppa say? Well, if you watched Mrs. Woods you would have seen a woman in pain, a Mother disgusted with her son. She sat in the front row dressed in solemn black as if in mourning. Her face was unemotional, but the body language said it all. Her arms were folded tightly across her body and she did not look at Tiger, nor did she look at any cameras. Her eyes were averted the entire time.  This must be a family-thing.

The Woods’ aren’t interested in making good television. It’s about them. Tiger’s transgressions were an insult to his family, and Mrs. Woods will let you know that. She doesn’t care about what you or I think, but she will tell you how disappointed she is in her son. This is her pain, not yours. Tiger doesn’t care about you either, and he will go through the motions of telling you he is sorry on his terms. This is not your pain or your life, it’s his. Except that they have been all too willing to let you put your life on hold while you watch him chase a ball and enjoy the creature comforts of the Simple Life. Oh ya, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Nocka, please.

[Oh, and the Vanity Fair cover? My daughter makes that face when she doesn't get what she wants. And my husband and I tell her that if she wants certain things then she's going to have to put on a pleasant face because people who pout and make "cross-faces" don't invite good things to come their way. She laughs after a few moments, and then a beautiful smile erupts on her beautiful face. When she is in a more positive and receptive state, we tell her that it is absolutely OK to be mad, sad, angry and upset, but it's not productive to be that way for too long. She gets it. She is almost 5 afterall.]